


The True King of Slytherin

by YertzNilo357



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-29
Updated: 2019-04-07
Packaged: 2019-10-18 17:12:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,943
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17584940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YertzNilo357/pseuds/YertzNilo357
Summary: 'I am become Death; the Destroyer of Worlds. I am the Alpha and Omega; the God Shiva and the Lord of this World. They are all pawns in my plans and I am the one true ruler'.The true tale of the greatest sorcerer and Wizard and also ladies man of all time: KingLord Hadrian Ulysses Merlin Uriel Potter.





	1. Chapter 1

Slytherin House was for the elite, the most powerful, most ambitious and most cunning of all of Wizarding Britain. Those who would succeed entered this House.

 

It was why I, Hadrian Ulysses Merlin Uriel Potter, was the undisputed king of this domain. The King of Slytherin. Higher than the Prince. Very impressive for, indubitably, for a child only in his third year of school. 

Some called me the Bane of the Dark; others, the General of the Light. But little did they know I was just biding my time.

I would remake this world in my image, due to my brilliant mind, and I would-

"Hi Harry, how are you going? You need any help with the Potions homework?" A voice pierced my self-ruminating solitude. Why must the simple always impose upon my brilliance? I made sure to place a smile upon my face. She was key to my future plans.

"Hello Daphne," said I, smooth as a river, "to what do I owe this pleasure?" Smirking to myself, in my brain, I thought I did a pretty good job.

Daphne Greengrass, the Ice Queen of Slytherin. She was the epitome of Pureblood control and composure. 

A vast majority of the time. Maybe 75%. Very rarely.

 

Excessively rarely.

 

She's as flighty and airy as the  _SPAWN_ of a bird and zeppelin. Good analogy, Hadrian. But she was key to my plans. I needed her by my side when I obtained control of this, MY Wizarding world. I smirked, again to myself, in my head, so I wouldn't make her suspect me. I turned around and said, "I would love some help on my Potions homework, Ms Greengrassssss....... where are you?!?"

"Oh Pansy, I love your sweater so much, it's so cute, like really so cute. It suits you so much!"

"Thanks Daph, I really appreciate it. My grandmother made it for me. She actually hand knitted it!"

The gaggle of female geeses- geese? gooses?- _girls_ were squawking as usual. Damn it Daphne! Why must you be so interested in the simple minds of your fellow females? Focus on me dammit!

"Oh wow Marcus, that's a really cool hat. i think it's fantasti-- OH MY WORD-- Goyle, that kitten so cute." 

"Thank Daphne."

"Aren't you just the cutest kitty ever. Oh my word, it's fur is so soft. Awww."

Goyle, you son of a bitch,  _thought I_ How darest thou takething my future bride. DAMMIT! Jerk. Oh wait.

My cunning amazes even me.

I stood and smoothed my robes, like a worldly genius. 

"I believe class is now starting. Does it not make sense to make our way Transfiguration, lest Minerva give us detention?"

"Oh bother, it is time for class," said Tracy, who was another future lover of mine. She put down the cat and tapped Daphne on her shoulder, who was currently jumping up and down, trying to touch one of the Slytherin flags hanging from the roof. Her reasoning seemed to be that it was 'pretty' so it would be 'soft and silky, like a kitty'.

"Class is ready. Transfiguratio-" 

"I love Transfiguration! Professor McGonagall is fantastic! Let's go! C'mon everyone, I'll meet you there."

Daphne, the scion took off at full pelt, demonstrating .....control? I mean, it was obviously part of her plan to throw off her fellow opponents. Pansy was another dangerous opponent so it made sense that Daphne would need to put up a facade. So many opponents, so little time. Chortling at my own joke, I pointedly ignored the upperclassmen who were definitely not giggling at my awesome humour and were just amazed at my cool persona. Yeah, they were laughing at their own ineptitude.

 

I made my way out of the Common Room, smirking. I had plans upon plans that would soon bear fruit. For I was Hadrian, scourge of the Wizarding World and future Kin-

"HARRY, COME ON!! YOU'LL BE LATE FOR TRANSFIGURATION!" squealed Daphne, interrupting my reverie. 

"Yeah, Harry. You're already almost failing Transfiguration. You really can't be late anymore. I keep telling you, you need to cut your robes," chimed in Theodore Nott, the butt head. My robes are AWESOME.

"Fine, I'm coming!..... Could somebody maybe get Daphne though? She's chasing Peeves."

 

One day soon, they will all understand my brilliance. I am Hadrian Ulysses Merlin Uriel Potter and I am your God.

 

EPILOGUE

 

"Mr Potter, please see me after class. I asked for twelve inches of parchment on the mechanics of Transfiguring a mouse into a tea cup. Not what I believe is a treatise on the proletariat overthrowing the bourgeoisie."


	2. Chapter two of undetermined

The Dark and Light flow through mine own hands. My glory is profound, my genius overwhelming. I am Hadrian Ulysses—

**_THUD_ **

**_…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….._ **

Merlin Uriel Potter and I am the once and future King of Magic.

“Bloody hell, Harry! You OK, mate?” asked Ron, for some reason, which was unrelated to anyone tripping over robes and having one’s face marry the floor.

“I’m fine, than--- Ooo, it stings--- k you. I am not one to feel pain nor to let a minor inconvenience trip me up,” said I, with a punishingly…pungent? pun. A devilishly destructive pun. Smirking, I turned and started walking towards my next class.

Filius was another key cog in my plans. As a part goblin, he would be my in to the goblin nation and a meeting with their King, the one known as Ragobnok. With the backing of the Goblin nation, whom I would entice through my witty repartee and most importantly, by demonstrating mine own respect via the accurate verbal eruction of the epithet by which they were bestowed upon their own births from the Earth Mother, whom was the one all goblins devoted their-----

**_BANG, CRASH, THUD_ **

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

devotion to, as she was their--- OWOOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWWOW, OHGOD I CHIPPED ATOOOOTHHHAGHHH---- God and Holy ruler above.

“ACH, TRIPE H’RRY,I CANNAE B’LEVE YAR GURT YERSEF SMARSHED EENTADA STERCHEW, DEN TREEPED OVA DABENCH THEN FAAACEFORST EENTA DA FLERR,” said Hagrid, Scottishly.

I smirked, the grin on my face belying my inner PAIN.

“Hagrid, my friend. It’th OK. Thave your tearth for thofter thlaves to the own tholicitudeth. Cry not for the pain you believe I have faced nor for the pain you believe that upon me has been inficted. I am the God King of Wizardth, a legend among men, a true paragon of Magical virtue, an undefeatable Hero of the Wizarding working clathth. Cry not for me, sweet Hagrid. Pleathe, thtrengthen your thtrong Scottithh heart.”

Hagrid looked at me in awe.

“ARGHH, H’RRY YER WIZE BAYOND YER YARS! YA FUCKING SICK CUNT, YER A TRROOOOWIZARDING LEEGEND,” said Hagrid, Scottishly.

He then walked off, holding Medusa by the hand. They were on a date. It appeared Hagrid loved not only dangerous animals but also dangerous women. A two in one was clearly…. twice the fun.

Harry anachronistically mimed the Horatio glasses thing, as he had delivered yet another zinger. Dam----

**_CRASH, SMASH, BANG, WALLOP, MRREOW, WHOOSH, DONG.. THUD_ **

**_………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………_ **

-n, I’m cool and maybe a tad woozy. Am I concussed? No, my Magic won’t allow it. My core is too strong. Anyhoo, Filius was another key cog in my plans. As a part goblin, he would be my in to the goblin nation and a meeting with their King, the one known as Ragobnok. With the backing of the Goblin nation, whom I would entice through my witty repartee and most importantly, by demonstrating mine own respect via the accurate verbal eruction of the epithet by which they were bestowed upon their own births from the Earth Mother, whom was the one all goblins devoted their devotion to, as she was their God and Holy ruler above.

“Um, Harry, are you OK? I saw you trip over you robes, smash into that mirror, then hit that cannon which made that magic broom smack your behind, making you step on a cat’s tail that caused it to pull its tail out from under your foot so fast you spun three times,head over feet in the air, then bumped into that fortuitously placed bell, which then made you land face first on the floor,” said Luna. A beautiful girl who was clearly a Seer of great import. I said as much to her.

“Well, the Mind Healers say I’ve created a type of fantasy world to cope with witnessing my Mother’s brutal excoriation and the subsequent collapse of her body, by which I mean it fell in on itself. They also believe this desire to maintain this delusional fantasy is exacerbated by the withdrawal of my Father from almost life itself after my Mother’s death; he spent three days trying to remove me from that room, in which I lived with my Mother’s…. husk? No. The slab of meat she once was. Is that more apt a description? I remember she still had her hair. Even as the rest of her body was an abomination, a lifeless lump of minced meat, on which the rats fed as I was subjected to the sight, she still had her hair, so similar to mine. The hair she let me brush every night, allowed me to style. To which my own is so similar. Sometimes when I look in the mirror, I see what was that _thing’s_ face, imposed on my own. Yet, still, her hair is so beautiful. So… beautiful.”

Well, shit.

“Your narrative ability ith great, Luna. You’re tho dethcriptive. Like you, perfectly thaid what happened to me. Propth.”

_OH WOW, WHAT THE HECK AM I SAYING!!???_

“Thanks Harry. I appreciate it. I remember when I first came to this school, some girls heard about what had happened to my Mum. They got 60 kilos of mincemeat from the House Elves. They took a wig from Mr Flitwick’s Wizarding drama class. A blonde wig, a colour identical to my own.

And they left me a gift in my bed.

Dressed as she was on that day, the homunculus crafted to torture only me, I almost heard it say, as I screamed silently into the Void

_Sweet Luna,_

_Mummy loves you._

_Do you love her?_

Of course I do Mummy

_Then take care of those who hurt you._

……Yes Mummy. I shall.

“Let me ask. Have you seen Sally Anne Perks since?” asked Luna, eyes as black as mine own eyeshadow.

“…No.”

“You would have tasted her at least. Minced meat pies, with all the Perks!!!!”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

 

“I’m going.”

“No problem, see you around Harry. Soon we’ll be having some Su Li- I mean sushi. Heehee.”

Awwwwwwwwwwwwoooooooooowwwwwoooooowwwwaaarergrghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh duuuuuuuuuude fuccc mann.

Shit,sh------

 

Doe ray me far so la tee **_THUD_**

 

-it. My fall, like that of the musical scales, down the stairs made me think.

I may need shorter robe---NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

I am Hadrian Ulysses Merlin Uriel Potter. Yes, my shoulder is broken, I am severely concussed, I have four broken teeth  (face meet floor, _again),_ I can’t see out of one eye, my ear is leaking something, both ankles are shattered and I am lying in a pool of mine own urine. But all is not lost. I pissed myself talking to Luna.

Not due to the traitorous steps nor the physical, catastrophic injuries I have received. Just plain old fear.

I am the future King of Magic and of Wizarding kind. All shall hail me as the Supreme Being.

EPILOGUE

“Wow Harry! You were just like a xylophone, it was so cool, like all boop, doop, mooop flop noop heheheheheeh, these sounds are fu—OH MY WORD, I LOVE SUSHI!! Thanks, Herms.”

“Ain’t nothing but a thing, homes.”


	3. Interludal interluding

Jesus Christ, the pain I was in was ludicrous. It was a mixture of emotional and physical pain, destructive on both the material and spiritual plane. Allow me to paint a picture.

 

_You are standing on a hill, before the love of your life. Under the branches, cherry blossoms falling around you and her, surrounding and illuminating her beauty._

_It was where you first met her;_ _where you first laid eyes on the kindred soul you would spend five amazing years with._

_Her eyes, a soft brown; her hair, chestnut brown; skin, a light brown, much like a bronze statue._

_You asked her here for one reason. It rests in your pocket._

_In a small box that carries your hopes and dreams for an unbelievably rewarding future._

_A circlet of silver and gold, that while only weighing 4 grams, to you feels like the weight of this galaxy._

_So you drop to one knee and take out this box. You look her in the eyes._

_You smile and you whisper, a susurrus, "Will you marry me?"_

_She hawks a loogie right into your face._

_In shock you slowly stand up and say "Why?"_

_"Because you're shit in bed and too poor."_

_She then moves towards you, with the grace you always loved so much and so deeply._

_And punches you square in the balls, bending the shaft._

_You collapse to your knees, grabbing your mangled testicles and bent shaft._

_She grabs the ring and puts it in her pocket._

_"Thanks man, this'll get me some good shit down at Taco Bell," she grunts._

_"I can get the real man some as well."_

_You hear more steps, coming up the hill and you hear a mocking snort laugh, one so familiar._

_You look up at the man who stole your future._

_You look at the man who ruined your life._

_At his square jaw, pig eyes and chiselled cheek bones._

_It's HIM._

_It's Him._

_It's._

_Fucking._

_**CRAIG.** _

Fuck you Craig.

Epilogue

"Thuck ooo crerg" gurgled Harry, strung out on meds/potions.

"Oh my word, Pomona, will he recover?"

"Fucked if I know."


	4. Only a Coward Feels Pain; Recovery is Unnecessary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Recovery is Unnecessary; Only a Coward Feels Pain.

My Me in Heaven, I'm a beast and mentally strong. My fortitude, physical and mental, is unbelievably solid.

I am Hadrian Ulysses Merlin Uriel Potter and I am the once and future Emperor God of Wizards.

Currently, I am recovering from an unfortunate incident involving stairs and Luna Lovegood, who very well maybe possessed by the vengeful spirit of her mother, the famous magical researcher........Cassiopaea, I'm going to say. Alternatively, she is fucking batshit crazy, brought on by witnessing her mother's demise and then being subjected to vicious bullying, that seems to have been at the level of "shitty high school revenge flick", which ends up with a serial killer, not a "she's actually pretty after all".

Think Carrie, not Hairspray.

That's not my problem, due to my insanely potent magical core, I feel my recovery will be quick and painless. Sure, the supposed "Healer" Madame Pomfrey told me that there is no such things as Magical cores and that it would take about two months to fully recover. But I strongly feel, in my Magical core, that she's a fart breathed bum face. Hence, i will recover in two months, as determined by my Magical core. 

My only problem now, is how do I leverage this to my advantage? I have plans within plans, each plan more planned than the last plan. My plans are multi-dimensionally planned out, on a structure of primary, sub and demi-sub plans, including auxiliary plans to support my primary plans. My plans are planned to perfection, so wonderfully planned that, really, only an unplanned occurrence, such as me falling down stairs could throw a wrench in my plans. 

I didn't plan for that, admittedly. I'll add it to my Master Planning list, which I have titled "Plans for unplanned occurrences."

Of course. 

How delightfully devilish Hadrian.

I would try for sympathy, tricking the FOOLISH MORTALS into feeling pity for me!! Me, worthy of pity!?

NO!? I AM A LORD AND I AM A GOD!! NO ONE CAN STOP ME, CONTAIN ME!! I A-

Epilogue

"He stood up and passed out from the pain. What a silly child. Just like his father. Oh James, I miss him. He was a truly charming fellow. Also knew his way around a woman."

"Madame Pomfrey, please don't tell Harry you and James went at it in that bed. When you were students obviously."


	5. Dear Me, Please make them shut the hell up.

My name is Hadrian Ulysses Merlin Uriel Potter. I am the once and future true King Lord of all Wizards. My power is unmatched, my Magical core unparalleled; I am most impressive specimen ever. I am uninjurable, as my current predicament, due to my trip down some stairs, has caused me absolutely no p-

 

 

Temporarily passing out due to pain is the sign of a great Wizard and lover. But, unfortunately, I am still young and have a weakness, inherent to many kids.

 

I DON'T WANNA HEAR ABOUT MY PARENTS HAVING S---- DOING IT!!! IT's YUCCCCKY! EW, YUCK, EERRRRGGHHH!! WAAAA!! STOP PLEASE.

 

"James really knew his way around a woman. Seriously, the way he used that tongue of his was ludicrous. The first time he went down on me, let me tell you, I saw stars."

" Oh, the same here. I couldn't believe it. It was amazing. Like, one second. it was like "Oh, that's pleasant" then the next it was "OH MY FUCKING GOD,  _OH PLEASE DON'T STOP, YYYEEEESSSS!"_

Madame Pomfrey readjusted the sheets. "Seriously, Charity, it was like a lightning bolt."

(Oh God no, I have a lightning bolt.)

"It seriously was. The feeling was insane. He was a truly talented man."

The Muggle studies  _WHORE_ laughed, then smirked. 

"Lily was better."

"No. NO. SERIOUSLY!?"

"Yeah, I'm serious. I swear, she must have taught him some tricks."

(DAMMIT! GIRL ON GIRL= NICE BUT MY MUM'S ONE OF THEM! GOD!)

"Oh I swear, when the two of them worked together, I actually passed out. Seriously, just passed out. They were unbelievable. Allow me to describe their every move in excruciating detail."

"NOOOOO!! YOU'RE BOTH SICK! I'M GOING TO MY ROOM AND BEAT----- GAHHH, I CAN'T!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

Running from the room, I realised for the first time, I wasn't actually that badly injured.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I wandered aimlessly, trapped in an emotional tornado. I was really, really, really grossed out. I didn't understand. 

Were my parents seriously the type to sleep with random people? Didn't they love only each other? What was 'going down'? Was it similar to cunnilingus? Were they seriously that good? Is it hereditary? ..Is it an inherited talent? Am I good at it?

 

I'm an inherent sexual genius. 

 

But I had to make sure.

 

I looked around carefully, scanning the women in my vicinity. Knowing I was a truly handsome, gorgeous, attractive, intelligent genius of books and sexing, I zeroed in on my target.

 

"Hello, Ms Clearwater," said I , smooth as a running river. "Can I go down on you? I'm a sexual genius, like my parents."

 

.............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

"I appreciate the offer, Harry. But if you ever ask me that again, in that disturbing a manner, I will report you to Professor McGonagall."

"But I'm a hereditary sexual genius. I promise, I'll do a bang up job!"

"Harry, I understand you're young and that you have clearly had some issues regarding your social development but it seriously is not acceptable to go up to someone, male or female,  and ask them to have sex with you. It is even more inappropriate to complain when they say 'No", on the basis of your parent's sexual ability. it's creepy and makes me feel very uncomfortable." 

 

"You're a tease!"

 

"Harry, once again, I'm not interested. I know you have a multitude of issues, including a fractured skull and concussion, so I'll let it go this time. Look, do you want some ice cream?"

"..Yes, more than anything."

"It's break. Let's go get some ice cream from the kitchen, OK?"

"...OK. Sorry for being so rude."

"Thank you. I accept your apology."

 

As I walked with Ms Clearwater, I felt I had learned something. Specifically, that I had literally imagined the entire conversation that had sent me running out here. Surely girls don't talk like that. And more specifically, that  _I WAS NEVER GOING TO LIVE THIS DOWN!_

_OH MY GOD, HOW COULD I ASK THAT!!!??? THAT WAS HORRIBLE!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!_

Thank God this year is about to end. Next year, I'll really obtain this world. For I am Hadrian Ulysses Merlin Uriel Potter and I am the once and future King of Wizards. 

EPILOGUE

"I must say Poppy, it was an awfully nasty trick we pulled on poor Harry."

"He wouldn't shut up about damn Magical cores. They don't exist, you don't store magic, you just use it. Now, shut up and get the strap on. I'm fffrrrrriiiiisssskkkyyy."

 

**NEXT YEAR, IN THE H.U.M.U.P SERIES**

_**"Oh no, we need to find the Hallows!"** _

_**"Mr Potter, prepare to die."** _

_**"You can't stop me. I am invincible."** _

_**"Oh my word, Mr Potter, the mistletoe."** _

_**"Choose your weapon Tom. This time, we end this."** _

_**DODODODODODOODODODODODOODODDODODODOODODODODOODO  ++++DRUMS+++++ SOLO  SICK MUSICAL RIFFF. WOOOIO YEAH.** _

__


	6. Can you hear the interlude?

_It is a mighty fine looking bird,_

_Its song is like nothing you have ever heard._

_Cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep,_

_tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet._

_Meow, meow, meow, meow,_

_OH NO!_

_The cat ate it._

_You stupid cat,_

_don't run away!_

_I just want to give you a little spray,_

_using this acid, from a Nundu,_

_which I synthesised,_

_using a taco._

_Woof,woof,woof,woof,_

_the dog got the cat,_

_now it ate the cat,_

_and the bird._

_You STUPID TURD!!_

_HOW WILL I MAKE MONEY OFF OF THE BIRD!_

_IT'LL BECOME POOP!_

_Oh, wait, oh no,_

_what is that there,_

_big black shaggy dog the size of a small bear,_

_turn around you numpty,_

_just like, Humpty Dumpty,_

_Howl, Howl, Howl, Howl,_

_the werewolf ate the dog._

_gulped down like a hot dog._

_Or a log._

_It's looking this way._

_Oh crap. I shouldn't have been singing this out loud._

_Now everyone knows I don't know the difference between birds and rats._

_Crud. I will run away._

_OH I'M RUNNING LIKE A DEMON,_

_RUNNING LIKE DEMON,_

_OOOOOOOOOOOO, YEAAAAAAHHH!_

_DEMON SPRINTUUU!!_

_NEON DEMON!!_

_BABY!!_

 

I had absolutely no clue how I could possibly explain to Herms how her cat got eaten by a black dog. Seriously, it was ridiculous. Also, that the dog was Sirius Black and he was eaten by a werewolf, who was Lupin. How do I know all this? Let me show you.

_Tell, not show flashback_

_"_ So Harry, I'm Sirius Black. I'm your godfather OK. I'm an animagus, which means I can turn into a big, black shaggy dog that has a strong resemblance to the Grim, itself a Death omen. This is Remus Lupin, who you would already know, as he is your teacher. He is also my friend and occasional butt buddy. This is Crookshanks, who is my catfidant, which is a feline confidant. It's a solid pun, I believe. You take it from here."

"My name is Peter Pettigrew. I'm a rat animagus and I betrayed your parents, being the reason the Dark Lord murdered them. I did it because I was threatened and I thought we would lose. I also had the hots for Lily but because she never acknowledged me, I felt like she deserved it, even though I never told her, barely spoke to her, apart from trying to insult her and James demonstrated his value as a kind human time after time. So don't forget, women aren't trustworthy, Harry."

"Hadrian."

"Gesundheit. Long story short, I'm a rat, both in personality, appearance, mentality and in general. It's sort of like how you portray a cold-blooded killer as a snake. Symbolism, that's the one."

"So Harry, I'm Lupin. It's a full moon right NoHoooooooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwlllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll!'

"We should run."

_End le flashback_

 

So that's what really happened. dear reader. Believe me, I'm just as underwhelmed as you are. See you next time.

 

 

 

 


End file.
